The other day I was hiking along a trail in the woods. I came around a bend and saw someone standing there, waiting for me. This has happened before.  Sometimes it is a man.

The other day it was a woman.  She asked me if she might hike with me and I said, “I don’t go so fast, but if you would like to join me, this is fine.” She didn’t say much. She paused to rest when I did, but never seemed to need a rest herself. I later realized that she didn’t have any food or water. I said, “This is a long hike and you are going to get dehydrated if you don’t have something to drink.” I offered her some of my water. She declined. Then I realized. I said, “Oh, you must be my death.” She smiled and indicated yes.

One practice: really feel this to be true, not just a metaphor. What does it feel like to be facing your own death? How do you imagine that very intimate, immediacy of your last breath? Is there fear, peace, an urgency to tie up loose ends or something else? Sit with this feeling and your reaction to it.

I said to her,” So, I am to die out here during this hike. If that is to be, then that is to be. I don’t know whether I am going to go right this minute or sometime later on down the trail, but for as long as I have, I would like to say good bye. Actually, I would like to thank those who have helped me along the way.” She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t seem to be in a hurry. She seemed kind and compassionate. I had the feeling that I could go ahead and begin giving thanks.  I took my time. I wanted each thank you to be full. I wanted to be present with each thank you, with the memory and feeling of each person that I was thanking. I didn’t plan it out. Whomever appeared in my mind, I focused on that person.

Often I would have no idea who it would be, but sometimes there would be a line. Then I had to resist the urge to hurry so as not to keep them waiting, resist the feeling that I had to hurry to be sure to get them all in. Many or just one; a long thank you or short one, there was always somebody to be thanked.

With each, I experienced intuitively their presence, their personality and character. I remembered again whatever it was that made me feel gratitude to them; sometimes a specific event; sometimes just a feeling.  Sometimes I became aware of way that they had upset me or sometimes ways that I had hurt them.  Sometimes I was aware of how hard it was to feel gratitude toward them. Sometimes I experienced a strong and overwhelming sense of love and thankfulness. But everyone who came to mind, came to mind because in some way or time or form I had felt gratitude toward them.  After being with them in my mind, I thanked them and wished them peace, freedom from suffering and that they might be filled with lovingkindness and know that they were also held in lovingkindness.

Another practice: just do this thanks  giving practice as long as people come to mind or until you fall asleep or something else comes up that demands you attention.

It seemed that there was no end to the people, animals and others that came to mind, one after another; and it occurred to me that death might have to wait along time if she was planning to let me finish thanking everyone. This brought up a different sort of perspective on this practice: a narrow, constricted, ego-centric perspective. To whit, I just needed to keep thanking people and I could put off my death indefinitely. But then, of course, I would not really be expressing gratitude. The words would have become a tool and no longer the real thing.

So at some point the hike will end. I will die. I will not have had time to specifically express gratitude to everyone that I would want to…..really to everyone. Contemplating this brought out this other aspect of gratitude: the gratitude and the expression of gratitude will not end when death finally says okay, it’s time. Gratitude is no longer seen as a wonderful and powerful emotion or feeling. It is rather a state. It is a state that encompasses both me and those for whom I feel gratitude. It is not bounded by what happens with my body and mind. It is the ground. Tillich perhaps might say gratitude is the ground of all being. A Buddhist might say that gratitude is Buddha Mind.

Or perhaps just, gratitude is…..

or

Gratitude!